Tuesday, September 22, 2015

Livin’ On A Prayer


The True Sin In The Garden Of Eden: Eve slept with Satan on a steamy summer night after she changed her name from June to Eve to please the Devil.

All religious traditions acknowledge that the world is friggin’ imperfect. They differ in the various explanations which they offer to account for goddamn imperfections. But if there was still a fucking Garden of Eden, everybody would be getting fat on Apple Pie and nobody would want to improve and try to do better. Praise Jesus, give me the snakes and apples and I’ll show you a good time. Many religions fucking believe that humans are to be blamed for the imperfections of the world.

Gnostics have their own view of these matters: they hold that the world is flawed because it was created in a flawed manner. Goddamn Canadian media is flawed and needs more sexual healing. Some Gnostic gospels include: The Gospel of Truth, The Gospel of Thomas and The Gospel of Judas. It’s about time Judas got his own gospel. Like Buddhism, Gnosticism begins with the fundamental recognition that earthly life is filled with suffering. I’m filled with suffering watching Canadian content on the fucking TV and that begins with hockey and ends with dirty laundry. My apologies to Tim Horton.

Ed the Sock is a fucking puppet that became a Canadian television personality in the fucking 1990s. Americans don’t fucking understand why the sock hasn’t evolved into a sock for a bigger foot. I was standing in line at the Starbucks at the Pike Place Market in Seattle and overheard an elderly man cursing about how Fraggle Rock wasn’t heavy enough. That friggin’ show would still be in syndication if it was Fraggle Heavy Metal. I hate to crash Ed’s Night Party or fucking suggest he’s chain smoking off Sam the Record Man’s hard-earned money, but the Canadian media industry is livin’ on a prayer.

And let’s face the fucking facts, Canadian sports simply wouldn't exist if the Blue Jays weren’t playing ball (fed by the Buffalo Bisons). The Chicago Blackhawks own the Stanley Cup and we all know who’s winning Global Warming. Ice is fucking melting; and soon there won’t be enough figure skaters to fill Quebec hockey arenas thus ending any chances of the Bloc Québécois playing the Ottawa Senators any time soon. Sorry Chantal St-Onge. Je suis fucking désolé. But Canada still has Justin Beaver. But now I’m getting ready for the Canadian Thanksgiving. I’m getting my shit together and preparing to carve the turkey before enlisting to watch Civil War in HDTV. You better motherfucking believe I’m watching the Oregon State Beavers football rivalry game played annually in Oregon against the fucking Ducks. The Washington Huskies will play in a bowl game and they’re okay, but the Washington State Cougars, Oregon State Beavers and Hillary Clinton are important to American culture. Get your game on, there’s a feminist movement afoot and don’t wait until it’s too late because you’re either part of the solution or you’re part of the motherfucking problem. 

My Inuit brothers and sisters preparing to fucking freeze because you’re living in melted igloos about to feel the shitty fucking cold after a hot summer, realize there’s a greater Florida State. The Florida State Seminoles are fucking undefeated in college football. The Associated Press has ranked college teams according to talent and they need to rank Florida State as number one and tied with Beavers, because Native American lives matter.


I want a piece of the American Pie because I've practically got dual citizenship and I was practically born in Seattle, Washington. From the AWA or WCW or WWF, Territorial Pissings happen from time to time whether you're Elvis, Andy Kaufmann or me. Sometimes you've got to let go of the kite string and go beyond childish dreams of a great Canadian media and think about 50 shades of blue or dealing with the fucking issues Beyond The Blue Kite.

Amen.


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