Wednesday, September 30, 2015

Is Vladimir Putin Celebrating Thanksgiving?

Nevermind if "Czar" Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin celebrates Thanksgiving, but he ought to be grateful this year. No leader on the planet has escaped as many fucking jams as buddy. But I’m getting hungrier than an abandoned baby in a Russian town Smelling Like Teen Spirit.

There is good Poutine and bad Putin. Poutine is a Canadian dish, originating in the province of Quebec, made with French Fries and cheese curds topped with a light brown gravy-like sauce and soon to be exported by Canadians. Fucking Putin has been the President of motherfucking Russia since 2012, succeeding Dmitry Medvedev. Western economic sanctions are clearly having an impact on motherfucking Russia, governments probably think the Russian people will rise up and demand change if countries create enough suffering for them. The problem with this fucking theory is that most cunt Russians don't mind suffering. They've successfully endured it for centuries.

I think another reason why I’m so fearful of Putin is that Vladimir is a motherfucking scary name. It reminds me of Vlad the Impaler also known as Count Dracula. Dracula’s favourite method of torture was to impale people and leave them to fucking writhe in agony, often for days. The media doesn't like Vladimir Putin or Vlad the Impaler and reported that they both would eat meals on a table set up outside amidst hundreds of impaled victims. On occasion, they were also reported to have eaten bread dipped in blood -- and that is motherfucking fact. From 1448 until his death in 1476, Dracula ruled Walachia and Transylvania. Although the Vatican City once praised Vlad for defending Christianity, it disapproved of his methods. But most religion often depends on my fucking mood. I praise Putin politics for sucking fucking blood for sport, but I disapprove of his lack of praise for Christianity.

The Pope’s 10-day trip to the United States and Cuba reminds Canadians how they’ve been snubbed. Native American lives matter and the Pope has more important things to do. He’s very busy bringing back exorcisms to the modern Catholic Church. The Roman Catholic Church’s chief exorcist said his recent exorcism caused superhuman strength in a woman and that the Pope’s efforts did not rid her of the hostile spirit. I loved The Exorcist and enjoyed watching the movie about 10 or 11 times. Father Guido Sarducci warns the Vatican about the dangerous threat of sexy vampires. The Pope, Putin, and Vlad the Impaler might have many dark secrets, but I want to fucking know the motherfucking dark secret emails from Hillary Clinton’s private server. I want to be Hillary Clinton’s personal IT department.

Hillary Clinton said in a recent speech that she wants a woman on the Bill. Bill Clinton is a very, very lucky guy. Americans need a woman president that wants to see some serious fucking around. I would offer my motherfucking services to edit a book on Hillary’s secret emails. And let it be fucking known that a wounded Hillary Clinton could limp through Democratic primaries and the Civil War and still survive. The GOP only got eleven percent of the nigger vote in the last presidential election. The Oregon State Beavers and Oregon Ducks have equal records in college football, but don’t be fooled. The Civil War is more important than politics or football. The Civil War is about fighting for fucking women’s rights. The Beaver is more important than the Duck. The Duck needs to be hunted and killed for Thanksgiving.

All I fucking care about is Oregon football and Halloween clown masturbation, but first I need to celebrate Thanksgiving with family. Thanksgiving is a holiday so nice that it happens fuckin' twice for somebody like me who has dual citizenship. It’s about football and not talking about religion or Vladimir Putin or Canadian media. It’s a joyous time to eat duck and give thanks. I want to give thanks for the blessing of the harvest, and fucking dust off my gorgeous HDTV set as I prepare for Civil War.

Happy Thanksgiving or Columbus Day!

Tuesday, September 22, 2015

Livin’ On A Prayer

The True Sin In The Garden Of Eden: Eve slept with Satan on a steamy summer night after she changed her name from June to Eve to please the Devil.

All religious traditions acknowledge that the world is friggin’ imperfect. They differ in the various explanations which they offer to account for goddamn imperfections. But if there was still a fucking Garden of Eden, everybody would be getting fat on Apple Pie and nobody would want to improve and try to do better. Praise Jesus, give me the snakes and apples and I’ll show you a good time. Many religions fucking believe that humans are to be blamed for the imperfections of the world.

Gnostics have their own view of these matters: they hold that the world is flawed because it was created in a flawed manner. Goddamn Canadian media is flawed and needs more sexual healing. Some Gnostic gospels include The Gospel of Truth, The Gospel of Thomas and The Gospel of Judas. It’s about time Judas got his own gospel. Like Buddhism, Gnosticism begins with the fundamental recognition that earthly life is filled with suffering. I’m filled with suffering watching Canadian content on the fucking TV and that begins with hockey and ends with dirty laundry. My apologies to Tim Horton.

Ed the Sock is a fucking puppet that became a Canadian television personality in the fucking 1990s. Americans don’t fucking understand why the sock hasn’t evolved into a sock for a bigger foot. I was standing in line at the Starbucks at the Pike Place Market in Seattle and overheard an elderly man cursing about how Fraggle Rock wasn’t heavy enough. That friggin’ show would still be in syndication if it was Fraggle Heavy Metal. I hate to crash Ed’s Night Party or fuckin' suggest he’s chain-smoking off Sam the Record Man’s hard-earned money, but the Canadian media industry is livin’ on a prayer. And so is Bon Jovi. He's only carrying a prayer in his wallet.

And let’s face the fucking facts, Canadian sports simply wouldn't exist if the Blue Jays weren’t playing ball (fed by the Buffalo Bisons). The Chicago Blackhawks own the Stanley Cup and we all know who’s winning Global Warming. Ice is fucking melting; and soon there won’t be enough figure skaters to fill Quebec hockey arenas thus ending any chances of the Bloc Québécois playing the Ottawa Senators any time soon. Sorry Chantal St-Onge. Je suis fucking désolé. But Canada still has Justin Beaver. But now I’m getting ready for the Canadian Thanksgiving. I’m getting my shit together and preparing to carve the turkey before enlisting to watch Civil War on HDTV. You better motherfuckin' believe I’m watching the Oregon State Beavers football rivalry game played annually in Oregon against the fuckin' Ducks. The Washington Huskies will play in a bowl game and they’re okay, but the Washington State Cougars, Oregon State Beavers and Hillary Clinton are important to American culture. Get your game on, there’s a feminist movement afoot and don’t wait until it’s too late because you’re either part of the solution or you’re part of the motherfucking problem. 

My Inuit brothers and sisters preparing to fuckin' freeze because you’re living in melted igloos about to feel the shitty fuckin' cold after a hot summer, realize there’s a greater Florida State. The Florida State Seminoles are fucking undefeated in college football. The Associated Press has ranked college teams according to talent and they need to rank Florida State as number one and tied with Beavers because Native American lives matter.


Tuesday, September 15, 2015

I Can’t Get No Satisfaction

The thrill that you've never known is the thrill that'll 
getcha when you get your picture on the cover of the 
Rollin' Stone.

I want it all, but I can't always get what I want. Went to Seattle last month, but I didn't get to stay and drive to fucking Oregon and prepare for the Civil War. I went to Buffalo and saw Bisons, but I never got to see them play a native team. If I could have it all, I would just watch both football and cartoons (and that includes watching cartoon sex).

Maybe I can have it all. I can watch the Civil War on Friday, November 27th right after I draw an animated short on the death of Donald Duck. The fucking duck was murdered by Oswald the Lucky Rabbit. If I could always get what I want, a minority party would win the Canadian federal election and there would already be a coronation with Hillary Clinton as president of the United States thus ending bullshit politics. It would give good people more fucking time to fuckin' focus on what is really goddamn important, like the Oregon State Beavers and Oregon’s Civil War. I really CAN'T (pronounced cunt instead of can't by some British speaking people) be the next Abraham Lincoln or afford a Lincoln luxury car, but I know what’s motherfuckin' important. I can’t always get what I want, but if I try sometimes, I can get what I need. And I need my motherfucking book published and I’m going beyond what’s friggin' necessary to make it known to every cunt who thinks it can't be done.

My wife wanted to see Hawaii. She didn't need to see the beautiful place, but she wanted to see Hawaii; so you better fucking believe she saw Hawaii. She got to see the shitty Hawaii Rainbow Warriors get destroyed by The Ohio State Buckeyes in a 38-nil shutout at the Shoe. I even took her to Nancy’s Home Cooking where she watched me devour a Garbage Omelet. The Ohio road trip wouldn’t have been complete without seeing Indians. We’re fans of Indians and watched them win a game while still in contention for the wild card in the American League. The Indians are going up the totem pole in the MLB.

As a conspiracy theorist, Ohio doesn't function like a state. No, Communist Ohio runs like a fucking country where no news gets out of the so-called state. Ohio doesn't export their beer and the governor's bid to run for president is just a motherfucking grassroots movement to oust the damn Republican and complete the communist takeover by The Ohio State University. China "likes" Ohio and John Richard Kasich. The Chinese still read John's letters to Richard Nixon. I studied American history when enslaved to writing essays when I was young. It was almost satisfactory.

Aloha from the Almighty Buckeyes.