Monday, August 10, 2015

How Much Wood Would a Woodchuck Chuck?

What is a woodchuck? Does it exist? Does it chuck wood? Best answer: A woodchuck is a North American marmot with a heavy body and short legs. The groundhog (Marmota monax), also known as a woodchuck, or whistlepig, is a rodent belonging to the group of large ground squirrels known as marmots. The animal hibernates in the winter. Other marmots, such as the yellow-bellied and hoary marmots, live in rocky and mountainous areas. They are found as far north as Alaska, with their habitat extending southeast to Georgia.


Woodchuck vs. Beaver is an interesting comparison, as it explores ground and aquatic animals. They both are rodents with ever-growing upper front incisors, but with different adaptations to the environment that they inhabit mostly. A comparison between woodchuck and beaver is worthwhile since differences must be understood between adaptations for their aquatic and terrestrial lives and many other characteristics as well.

A woodchuck would chuck wood if it fucking could chuck wood. However, a woodchuck is not a motherfucking beaver. Every crazy bastard, son of a bitch wants beaver over a lame duck. And oh, I’ve been worshipping the beaver for decades.

Ode To Beavers

Do you think I’m motherfucking Ward Cleaver?
Go Beavers!
Fuck 'em Beavers,
Every chick Beaver.
And what kind of beaver
And whose beaver tail
Do you follow down Oregon’s trail?
And I don’t give a shit about a Duck,
They’re all shit out of luck.
Just another college fuck.
I want me some beaver,
Ready to heave her?
Put your dick back in your pants
Every Duck in a football stance.
Fucking cheerleaders dance!
Take back the punt
All the way for cunt.
C’mon bloody Civil War,
More beaver more.
Every prick knows,
Go Beavers go!

Don’t beat the Beaver. It’s not nice. If I haven’t said it once, I’ve said it only eleven times, you can get hurt if you’re having rough butt sex with a Beaver.

Oregon State University, be humble about your Beaver.

How much wood on me, a WoodChuck, Jerry Mathers, Tony Dow or Hugh Beaumont -- while dreaming about a teenage Barbara Billingsley in a thong dressed down hotter than the middle of June on a hot steamy Georgia night? Goddamn, I am ready for some football.

The problem with a sex crime is it starts to rhyme. I already got Life in 2011.

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