What We’ve Got Here Is A Failure To Communicate

“When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.” ~ Hunter S. Thomspon

Where do we manufacture dreams?

Some men you just can’t reach, especially those like Donald Trump telling stories about the fall of the World Trade Center. Weird people watch Pop Goes The World and sing all about the World Trade Center tumbling down with thousands and thousands of Arabs cheering on the streets of Jersey City. That's the truth.

I’ve learned everything I need to know from Chelsea Handler’s Uganda Be Kidding Me, following Martha Stewart on Facebook, drawing Pluto in one easy step, and writing handwritten letters to stars of Disney On Ice. To my dear, dear friends in the Americas, Happy Thanksgiving and Give Peace A Chance.

But there are more professional problems than cartoon violence or Civil War college football rivalry game. The Washington Redskins players are accusing referees of calling penalties against the team because the referees don’t like the Redskins name. The world is filled with horror, violence, pain, and racial injustices from terrorism. ISIS wants us to accept that it is how it is, and ISIS wants good people to buy into demented fantasies that they’re doing something important. Cyberterrorists are a bunch of savages that are going to join the Russians and the French terrorists like the cockroaches they are.

In the heart of Burlington, I want to rid the world of the goddamn status quo and cyberterrorism and the evils plaguing society from giving us fucking sequels to An Inconvenient Truth. The world is plagued by lies, but the most powerful truth is the real commercial world. You can’t underestimate the impact of the final buck and when Lionheart Leaks becomes available in the distant future.

The Burlington Post dropped my promotional advertising on page nine, but the Post has been all over my controversy on page eleven. It seems like small potatoes, but it blew up last week in the newspaper. My cousin auctioned off my table from the castle for $500 and I wanted it auctioned off for $600 for charity. Bubba called and told me that he would set up a date to pick up my table. I said, “You can’t have it.” It was supposed to be $600 instead of $500. Bubba went to the Burlington Post and complained and we got in a big fight. I threatened to punch him out. I’ve been down and out lately since spending every last cent on Lionheart Leaks. I'm getting deeper and deeper into debt.

Christmas isn’t about what you need, it’s about what you want, and trusting your instincts to make the right choices. My choice is bringing the world Lionheart Leaks on December 1st and releasing the hardcore facts. Not even WikiLeaks can reveal the true inner demons troubling our streets. I feel like I'm getting a little closer to the streets, the barking dogs, and sleepless nights. 

Ottis O’Toole walks the streets and he begins to explain to Johnny Electric in Installment No. 1: “Johnny Electric was the charged CEO of Lionheart Incorporated and he was a serious gambler with vices.” I’m allowing people close to me to reveal the facts about how Lionheart almost ruined my life. Sometimes I think I’m losing my mind, but no use crying over spilled milk.

And I'm not going to cry about suffering from Peter Pan Syndrome. Science Daily believes "the 'Peter Pan Syndrome' affects people who do not want or feel unable to grow up, people with the body of an adult, but the mind of a child. The syndrome is not currently a psychopathology" or fully understood.

If you’re like me and you believe that The Little House On The Prairie TV theme song inspired John Williams to write the Star Wars theme song, then you also believe Walt Disney’s not dead, he’s frozen, and when someone thaws out the Walt, he’s going to be pretty pissed off at Oswald.

Black Jeopardy And The Bills After The Weird Go Pro

Predicament No. 1: Novelism

Bring back the motherfucking-ass dominance of the transformation of novels.

I want to become a category on Jeopardy and watch the entire episode for the hearing impaired with White Alex screaming his lungs out. I’m weighing the pros and cons of online writing and concluding I want to write in the friggin' future. I've chosen to write my first novel blog. I'm releasing the first edition of Lionheart Leaks.

The story is about a group of 20-something underachievers struggling in life. They're paid to work for Lionheart Incorporated. Working for a very ambitious and corrupt company, the employees form good friendships before learning they have been duped by the company. After a friend dies, they secretly form Lionheart Leaks to get back at the founders of Lionheart, but their plan gets sabotaged.

Here’s my self-edited opening from the highly anticipated online version of Installment No. 1: Howgh, It All Began (A Collection Of Random Incidents):

“A scratched vinyl record was being played on the stereo turntable and the song sounded like Cherry, Cherry from Neil Diamond’s Gold. I was listening to the classic song and a poor, dumb waitress at the same time. The troubled waitress with bright green eyes wearing too much makeup apologized for not recognizing me at first and then told me that she would bring another drink.” (Lionheart Leaks WIP)

Scratch that. The Atlanta Braves are brave.

brave

 (brāv)

adj. brav·er, brav·est

1. Possessing or displaying courage.

2. Making a fine display; impressive or showy: "a coat of brave red lipstick on a mouth so wrinkled that it didn't even have a clear outline" (Anne Tyler).

3. Excellent; great: "The Romans were like brothers / In the brave days of old" (Thomas Macaulay).

4. A word that basically means Richard Tattoni.

If I had Stephen King’s address, I would send him an old-fashioned letter and tell him he’s getting old and he should visit The Great Beyond. The word if is the middle word in life and maybe Stephen King needs to read Lionheart Leaks coming soon Beyond The Rum Diary.

Predicament No. 2: Pros and Cons

O.J. Simpson became USC’s second Heisman Trophy winner in 1968 when he first captured the hearts and minds of Civil War enthusiasts. The Pac-12 evolved over recent decades to become bigger and better, but the conference is having a bloody awful year of football.

A Civil War college football rivalry game between Beavers and Ducks brings in a shitload of money for the Pac-12 Conference. The Great Beyond has become a home for veterans of the game to look back and remember. Leave It To Beaver, I’m not choosing sides or bringing back Abraham Lincoln from the dead. I want to go beyond football and play a new game on my PlayStation 11. Let’s play Black Jeopardy. In the category of “What Happened Was,” Black Alex says “The lights went off.” Mr. Hightower buzzes in first and tries answering in the form of a question, “What happened was I forgot to pay the bill.” Mr. Hightower couldn't answer in the form of a question and started a fight with Black Alex over his Bill Cosby sweater.

The American Thanksgiving is a time to relive O.J. Simpson’s big record-breaking performance against the Detroit Lions. O.J. is still revered as the best player the Buffalo Bills ever had. True story.

I’ve accepted that there are pros and cons in this world, and professional teams like the Buffalo Bills must be better understood. This is the reality of the world that we live in. I’m a fan of Buffalo, Seattle, and the Browns. Bring back Jim Brown, James Brown, and Charlie Brown!

O.J. Simpson And Civil War

Indian Summers are goddamn important to climate change and we must adapt ourselves to the fucking requirements of chaos.

Native brothers and sisters, hey. Hay is placed as mulch or top cover in a garden bed or as filler for exposed or idle space to help protect plants. Trucks carrying bales of hay to teepees and native gardens in your neighbourhood is very necessary for this motherfuckin' age. I don’t mean to always say hay, but it’s important. Overused words piss me off and when I hear 'And' used repetitively it starts to sound like Anne, but my wife’s name is Jodie and I don’t want to hear Anne all the time. Howgh, I would like to suggest you stop overusing the fucking word.

Quentin Tarantino said “You have to call a murder a murder and the murderers the murderers” and he’s right, but there are much greater murderers than cops. O.J. is more than a tasty bottle of juice in my fridge. O.J. Simpson is a murderer out to get everyone. The former running back for USC would have done it much differently. He would have said “Give me that glove back” and he would have made the glove fit in the courtroom if he could do it over. Judge Lance Ito was a hero for allowing O.J. to walk free, but Juice can never play football again. The Pac-10 was a lot different when O.J. played college football and now it’s the Pac-12, but there will always be Civil War.

There would be a greater Civil War with O.J. Simpson in attendance, but the rules of war have changed. Welcome To The Jungle, guerrilla warfare really took off after Vietnam and Colonel Walter E. Kurtz in fucking Cambodia. The enemy is hidden deep inside you. The Oregon State Beavers are handicapped against the weak Ducks, but always believe in a good civil college football rivalry game. Here’s 11 Reasons To Believe In Civil War:

1. Beaver Tails are fun to eat
2. There will always be racism
3. Hearts of darkness will prevail
4. Civil War is a song by Guns N’ Roses
5. Vietnam and Oregon have similar governments
6. O.J. Simpson was acquitted in a civil court
7. Kato Kaelin is an Oregon State Beavers fan
8. Bob Hope plays on YouTube for the troops
9. Duck will be served every Thanksgiving
10. Santa Claus brings gifts to the winning team
11. The Pac-12 will not change its name to Pac-11

Damn, the Oregon State Beavers are building and already thinking ahead to next year; but truth be told, I’m using the Beavers as a smokescreen. The Big Ten Conference is stacked and it’s too difficult to predict a fair outcome. I wanted to mount my offense on the West Coast. I’ve exposed Oregon and I've found the underdog team. I’m hiding behind the Beavers. You might be asking yourself, what happens after the Civil War? I’ll tell you. Lionheart Leaks and all about the Industrial Revolution and more. There’s always a war going on in my mind.

Courtesy of Francis Ford Coppola

Acid Flashback No. 33

Remembrance Day is observed on November 11th in most countries since the bitter end of hostilities of World War I, but every fucking day is like World War III on Tuesday in my world.

Halloween isn’t actually over and every day is Halloween for cases like mine. I’m scared shitless of the fucking fragmented flashbacks that haunt my mind. I’m experiencing a really bad flashback now and all I want to do is slave myself to the keyboard and write and write about what’s really important. My motherfucking memoir needs to be written. I’m writing my biography called Being Richard Tattoni. I’m writing flashbacks of my childhood and visiting a cherry farm in Oregon. My mind trips out a few more times watching Planes, Trains and Automobiles and now I’m back home again anticipating a bloody Civil War in Oregon and pissed I can't contribute to the war effort. I'm in the basement with a straightjacket on, defining what lies between war and peace and all I ever really wanted. But the truth would be repeated as a massive echo, almost like I was a politician trying to win a comedic nomination.

My friends, I would describe my life as the chase for the American Dream. That chase began at the bottom of the hill just off the main drag in good ol' Burlington, Ontario -- right outside of Hamilton. Atop the hill was a small house in a shining city in its own right. The hill had twists, the hill had turns, 7-Eleven, and even a few tears, nothing wrong with that. Floyd Mayweather’s barber shop was down the street. As an 11-year-old boy, I would throw the football and climb the monkey bars for the first time in my life knowing I would be recruited by Oregon State University.

STOP. I didn’t go to Oregon State University. I didn’t fucking go to Oregon University. All I know is that the Ducks narrowly defeated Arizona State in a shootout. It’s setting the stage for a bloody Civil War in Oregon. The worst the state has ever seen. I’m outta the straightjacket now and getting fucking migraines and everything is spinning from these goddamn flashbacks. History will be kind to George W. Bush, but why the fuck isn’t his name spelled the same as Busch Beer? Jeb Bush won’t get the motherfucking Republican nomination because his name is spelled differently than the beer and that’s the fucking truth. Son-of-a-bitch, I’m having a bad flashback and it’s hurting. I had to brush off the motherfucking cobwebs on the old dictionary to look up acid flashback.

ac·id flash·back

(ăs′ĭd flăsh′băk′)

n.

1. a psychedelic experience caused by your body metabolizing LSD stored in the fat of your body after LSD usage in the past.

2. an ostrobogulous psychological phenomenon.

3. Jerry Garcia's revenge.

Throwing the Richard Tattoni Free Dictionary against the wall, I'm pulling down my navy blue track pants and masturbating to images of Sarah Palin as she's entering the GOP presidential debate wearing nothing on the X-Rated imaginary CNN in my delusional mind. She walks off the stage and she's 3-D, but it's way fucking better and she's like 11-D as she pops into real life and now we're having a motherfucking tea party together all bare-ass and naked in the basement of The Tattoni International Hotel & Tower. My head has been spinning and I hear the doorbell upstairs as it rings and rings louder. I realize everything is spinning and ringing in the base of my skull after a long night.

Now that I'm real, I know who I am, and what my doctor can do for me. Dr. Strange says I've been having bad dreams and that I should take up hobbies like writing. My memoir needs to be thousands of fucking more pages and I need it to be longer than Moby Dick, but it won't be the worst of me. It's all in my head and I can friggin' control strange thoughts.

Beyond The Bills Or Chemistry Or Acid Flashbacks

First Bill: What Should Bill Clinton Be For Halloween?

The road to tyranny begins with the destruction of the fuckin' truth. Truth varies from person to person. As president of the United States, Bill Clinton once said, “When we got organized as a country and we wrote a fairly radical Constitution with a radical Bill of Rights, giving a radical amount of individual freedom to Americans, it was assumed that the Americans who had that freedom would use it responsibly.” Bill Clinton handled his extra-marital affair responsibly and he’s gone the extra mile practically endorsing Donald Trump. Hillary Clinton is running for president and every cunt wants to see Bill as the First Man of the United States. A First Man currently doesn't exist, but it should if the Theory of Evolution was true. Darwin observed the pattern of evolution and he would've been fucking fascinated with Bill Clinton.

How will the Clintons celebrate Halloween? Bill Clinton might choose to dress up as Bill Cosby for Halloween. Over 40 women have accused Bill Cosby of sexual misconduct and only the future First Man understands this and wants to take on the role. There needs to be a motherfucking movement to prevent another Industrial Revolution. The next uprising in the industry will happen soon. From politics to going mental, there ain't much choice. 

Global Warming will kill everybody if we don’t stop the madness. Acid rain is going to get worse and the floods will motherfucking drown us. Al Gore needs to make a sequel to An Inconvenient Truth. It’s an inconvenient truth that Bill Clinton could co-star with Al Gore in the movie. If Bill Clinton does dress up as Bill Cosby, why doesn’t Al Gore dress up as Bill O’Reilly for Halloween, so we can get the motherfucking facts? What does it matter? How's Hillary doing? Hillary Clinton needs to dress up either as a district attorney or a chemist or a plumber and pay the motherfucking Bills. Does pH matter when you flush the toilet? I'm going to take a shit whilst listening to Phish.

Second pH: Beyond Chemistry

In chemistry, pH (/piːˈeɪtʃ/) is a numeric scale used to specify the acidity or alkalinity of an aqueous solution. It is the negative of the logarithm to base 10 of the fucking activity of the hydrogen ion. Solutions with a pH less than 7 are acidic and solutions with a pH greater than 7 are alkaline or anything fucking basic. Beyond chemistry, make sure you Google search phubbing and use the ph instead of effing fubbing, and don’t give yourself a PhD and call yourself Dr. Huxtable and go fubbing for fun. I’m not a doctor and I’m not going to take credit for inventing words like phubbing or fubbing, but they’re real fucking problems in American culture. The Washington State Cougars are not that good at football, and don’t be fooled after their victory over the Oregon Ducks, but that’s not the motherfucking problem. The Cougars screwing around with younger men is a real motherfucking problem.

Oregon schools preparing for the Civil War are simply unavoidable; but the serious goddamn problem happening in schools can be seen or unseen with students suffering from mental illnesses, abusing psychotropic drugs, and taking non-prescription drugs. In the aftermath of the crazy draw-down in Afghanistan, Americans are celebrating a war lasting almost as long as the Civil War college football game rivalry in Oregon. The Civil War started with the first bullets fired recently according to news. Why wasn't the shooter targeted? We need to second-guess the victims of the shooting. They didn’t act fast enough and fight back in the face of bullets. They could have rallied against the shooter and tackled him to the motherfucking ground. I should have fought back against my demons to prevent the death of Tuesday.

Third Acid Flashback: Tuesday

Where is Tuesday Alvarez? Have I lost Tuesday to drug-induced flashbacks or a mystery liquid? Tuesday’s Gone, Lynyrd Skynyrd (pronounced 'Lĕh-'nérd 'Skin-'nérd). I put the son-of-a-bitch down. It was late Tuesday night when Tuesday Alvarez sent a text to my cell phone. It said, “Meet me at the Burger King parking lot.” We ended up in old Brewington. Beyond my dreams.

Top 11 Songs Russians Are Listening To This Year

Rocky defeated Ivan Drago from the Soviet Union. Ever since the Soviet Union collapsed, Canada is comparable to Russia in relation to size and friggin' hardship. 

Here are the Top 11 Songs Russians are downloading this year:

1. Kids - MGMT
2. Wine Wine Wine - Voodoo Walters and the Rhythm Method
3. Chantilly Lace - The Big Bopper
4. Come As You Are - Nirvana
5. Ship To Wreck - Florence and the Machine
6. Breathing Underwater - Metric
7. War - U2
8. Civil War - Guns N' Roses
9. Seven Nation Army - The White Stripes
10. Cheerleader - OMI
11. 11:11 - Arkells

Is Vladimir Putin Celebrating Thanksgiving?

Nevermind if "Czar" Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin celebrates Thanksgiving, but he ought to be grateful this year. No leader on the planet has escaped as many fucking jams as buddy. But I’m getting hungrier than an abandoned baby in a Russian town Smelling Like Teen Spirit.

There is good Poutine and bad Putin. Poutine is a Canadian dish, originating in the province of Quebec, made with French Fries and cheese curds topped with a light brown gravy-like sauce and soon to be exported by Canadians. Fucking Putin has been the President of motherfucking Russia since 2012, succeeding Dmitry Medvedev. Western economic sanctions are clearly having an impact on motherfucking Russia, governments probably think the Russian people will rise up and demand change if countries create enough suffering for them. The problem with this fucking theory is that most cunt Russians don't mind suffering. They've successfully endured it for centuries.

I think another reason why I’m so fearful of Putin is that Vladimir is a motherfucking scary name. It reminds me of Vlad the Impaler also known as Count Dracula. Dracula’s favourite method of torture was to impale people and leave them to fucking writhe in agony, often for days. The media doesn't like Vladimir Putin or Vlad the Impaler and reported that they both would eat meals on a table set up outside amidst hundreds of impaled victims. On occasion, they were also reported to have eaten bread dipped in blood -- and that is motherfucking fact. From 1448 until his death in 1476, Dracula ruled Walachia and Transylvania. Although the Vatican City once praised Vlad for defending Christianity, it disapproved of his methods. But most religion often depends on my fucking mood. I praise Putin politics for sucking fucking blood for sport, but I disapprove of his lack of praise for Christianity.

The Pope’s 10-day trip to the United States and Cuba reminds Canadians how they’ve been snubbed. Native American lives matter and the Pope has more important things to do. He’s very busy bringing back exorcisms to the modern Catholic Church. The Roman Catholic Church’s chief exorcist said his recent exorcism caused superhuman strength in a woman and that the Pope’s efforts did not rid her of the hostile spirit. I loved The Exorcist and enjoyed watching the movie about 10 or 11 times. Father Guido Sarducci warns the Vatican about the dangerous threat of sexy vampires. The Pope, Putin, and Vlad the Impaler might have many dark secrets, but I want to fucking know the motherfucking dark secret emails from Hillary Clinton’s private server. I want to be Hillary Clinton’s personal IT department.

Hillary Clinton said in a recent speech that she wants a woman on the Bill. Bill Clinton is a very, very lucky guy. Americans need a woman president that wants to see some serious fucking around. I would offer my motherfucking services to edit a book on Hillary’s secret emails. And let it be fucking known that a wounded Hillary Clinton could limp through Democratic primaries and the Civil War and still survive. The GOP only got eleven percent of the nigger vote in the last presidential election. The Oregon State Beavers and Oregon Ducks have equal records in college football, but don’t be fooled. The Civil War is more important than politics or football. The Civil War is about fighting for fucking women’s rights. The Beaver is more important than the Duck. The Duck needs to be hunted and killed for Thanksgiving.

All I fucking care about is Oregon football and Halloween clown masturbation, but first I need to celebrate Thanksgiving with family. Thanksgiving is a holiday so nice that it happens fuckin' twice for somebody like me who has dual citizenship. It’s about football and not talking about religion or Vladimir Putin or Canadian media. It’s a joyous time to eat duck and give thanks. I want to give thanks for the blessing of the harvest, and fucking dust off my gorgeous HDTV set as I prepare for Civil War.

Happy Thanksgiving or Columbus Day!

Livin’ On A Prayer

The True Sin In The Garden Of Eden: Eve slept with Satan on a steamy summer night after she changed her name from June to Eve to please the Devil.

All religious traditions acknowledge that the world is friggin’ imperfect. They differ in the various explanations which they offer to account for goddamn imperfections. But if there was still a fucking Garden of Eden, everybody would be getting fat on Apple Pie and nobody would want to improve and try to do better. Praise Jesus, give me the snakes and apples and I’ll show you a good time. Many religions fucking believe that humans are to be blamed for the imperfections of the world.

Gnostics have their own view of these matters: they hold that the world is flawed because it was created in a flawed manner. Goddamn Canadian media is flawed and needs more sexual healing. Some Gnostic gospels include The Gospel of Truth, The Gospel of Thomas and The Gospel of Judas. It’s about time Judas got his own gospel. Like Buddhism, Gnosticism begins with the fundamental recognition that earthly life is filled with suffering. I’m filled with suffering watching Canadian content on the fucking TV and that begins with hockey and ends with dirty laundry. My apologies to Tim Horton.

Ed the Sock is a fucking puppet that became a Canadian television personality in the fucking 1990s. Americans don’t fucking understand why the sock hasn’t evolved into a sock for a bigger foot. I was standing in line at the Starbucks at the Pike Place Market in Seattle and overheard an elderly man cursing about how Fraggle Rock wasn’t heavy enough. That friggin’ show would still be in syndication if it was Fraggle Heavy Metal. I hate to crash Ed’s Night Party or fuckin' suggest he’s chain-smoking off Sam the Record Man’s hard-earned money, but the Canadian media industry is livin’ on a prayer. And so is Bon Jovi. He's only carrying a prayer in his wallet.

And let’s face the fucking facts, Canadian sports simply wouldn't exist if the Blue Jays weren’t playing ball (fed by the Buffalo Bisons). The Chicago Blackhawks own the Stanley Cup and we all know who’s winning Global Warming. Ice is fucking melting; and soon there won’t be enough figure skaters to fill Quebec hockey arenas thus ending any chances of the Bloc Québécois playing the Ottawa Senators any time soon. Sorry Chantal St-Onge. Je suis fucking désolé. But Canada still has Justin Beaver. But now I’m getting ready for the Canadian Thanksgiving. I’m getting my shit together and preparing to carve the turkey before enlisting to watch Civil War on HDTV. You better motherfuckin' believe I’m watching the Oregon State Beavers football rivalry game played annually in Oregon against the fuckin' Ducks. The Washington Huskies will play in a bowl game and they’re okay, but the Washington State Cougars, Oregon State Beavers and Hillary Clinton are important to American culture. Get your game on, there’s a feminist movement afoot and don’t wait until it’s too late because you’re either part of the solution or you’re part of the motherfucking problem. 

My Inuit brothers and sisters preparing to fuckin' freeze because you’re living in melted igloos about to feel the shitty fuckin' cold after a hot summer, realize there’s a greater Florida State. The Florida State Seminoles are fucking undefeated in college football. The Associated Press has ranked college teams according to talent and they need to rank Florida State as number one and tied with Beavers because Native American lives matter.

Amen.