If We Die... It Will Be For Glory, Not Gold

Beowulf Monster Mash

Hwæt! Wé Gárdena in géardagum þéodcyninga þrym gefrúnon hú ðá æþelingas ellen fremedon. 

"Listen! We -- of the Spear-Danes in the days of yore, of those clan-kings -- heard of their glory." I'm not about to spew lines of Beowulf on you, but those clan-kings have heard about me and legendary radio on WRICH 109.9 FM, WOW 87.7 FM and AM 2200. But now, I wish my novel idea didn’t put me on the throne as the king of Lionheart’s failure. It started out nobly as The Lionheart Sound Network, but then Lionheart Leaks ruined everything. It started out as a bad joke, but there was nothing funny about Prime. 

I feel sorry for co-founding Lionheart Inc.™ and running the company into the ground. It was a mistake to accept responsibility. I tried everything. As a bad president, unqualified to run a network of radio stations, I’m sorry. Playing number one hit music after number one hit music, adding it up; and playing classic commercials, and then spending months trying to create an app, but nothing worked and I am sorry. The most common complaint about the network was its poor taste. It was offensive and recreating history was not a good idea for a company model. It was offensive, and although it might have been a home run if I pitched the idea in Cleveland, it was a cheap idea -- and my selfish quest to ruin the company trumped any chance of profit. I got out just in time, but now I'm apologizing and I’ll be sorry for at least the remainder of the decade. I'm so, so sorry.

All Apologies

The truth is that I've always controlled Lionheart Inc. and I've always participated in ceremonial duties. From food tours in Stratford to Mississauga, in the GTA and abroad, I've enjoyed the finest cuisine and all the best food from every culture. Just don't get me wrong. Slothful behaviour demonstrates how I'm wallowing in sorrow for wrongdoing to the company. Company expenses on great Mexican food is a fine example of how truly sorry I am -- that I want to do good, and better than good, by eating great.

Mississauga Food Tour

And I giveth you thou Burger King. May you eat plentiful and shame thyself by eating Whoppers. It sounds cruel, but in a cruel world, political correctness stifles free speech. Perhaps you’ve noticed that when the politically correct liberal rule-makers decide to name a group of humans they view as victims, they begin by creating a sense of shame to the group’s existing name. And so, somewhere over the years, the word Indian has been discarded. Nobody mentions Indians anymore. That’s because, in yet another stunning attempt to stand reality on its head, Indians have been assigned a new designation, the Indigenous people or Aboriginal people. This is an obvious attempt to make people feel better. The idea is, as long as we can’t help these people, let’s give the First Nations a positive name to distract everyone. I’m sorry, but it’s a way for government to say that’ll learn ‘em. And another thing, the closest anyone has ever gotten to the Star of David since biblical times occurred before Jim Morrison opened The Doors to Morrison Hotel. Blessed Jim looked up high into the dark sky and started singing Indian Summer. It was summertime, he'd checked out of his hotel and Indians and old cowboys surrounded him. They thought he was sick in the head, but he was just finding his way on the cross.

As a conspiracy theorist, I just don’t believe Jim Morrison is dead. He's risen for our sins. I don't believe in Juno or Man on the Moon. The closest we’ll ever get to Jupiter will be The Great Beyond. If you want to avoid 'The Great Beyond,' drink more water, and read my cat's new book, instead of trying to find water on a distant planet. They can’t even fix the water pipes in Flint, Michigan. Why not get a Juno to fly looking for water on Jupiter? Drink a cup of water and go to bed. And what does ‘Goodnight, sleep tight,’ mean? In Shakespeare’s time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes, the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Goodnight, sleep tight. “Parting is such sweet sorrow, / That I shall say good night till it be morrow” when you visit Mattress King to get the best deal possible on a good night’s sleep. New products arrive in-store on a weekly basis at Mattress King. Visit Mattress King to view their whole selection of mattresses in stock. But this is not where I promote Mattress King. Get a better sleep by reading a good book. I'm here to promote Skedaddles' new book. As a writer, I'm here to promote literature -- so buy my cat's new book now. She (I mean me) would love her book to sell. STOP what you're doing and read cat books. Imagine a furry feline discovering if there will ever be a rainbow. Get it on Amazon.

The Happy New Novel By Skedaddles

All The World's A Stage Of Consciousness

My consciousness scares me. This is heaven, not hell. This is opening The Doors and finding me listening to a religious experience happening every Sunday in the church of my basement. But there's a beginning and end to everything. He rises again.

Fare Thee Well: Celebrating The Grateful Dead was a series of concerts, but never say goodbye if you still want to try. Reincarnated in my basement, I don't want to try and I'm waiting for the end of The End. I'm listening to blessed Jim, and The Second Coming gives me new life. I turn out the lights in the basement and hear my heartbeat as the music rudely stops. Finally. Skedaddles everywhere. Just the pussycat as a screensaver on the computer and it's on the chair. I throw her off the chair and Iook around, but there's nothing but darkness in a cold, dark basement. Who's really watching Sin City on Netflix?

The Basement

I close the door to the basement and exit the house. It's just after eleven at night and I'm heading to the nearby woods. The forest is quiet. My skin is cold. There is darkness everywhere. There is just utter darkness and I'm thinking I'm miles away from the laptop and cat. I look up at the stars. We're going to be landing on Mars in eleven years and we're going to have driverless cars in twenty-two years. Everyone will be reading instead of watching TV. It's going to look a lot different. I sleep under the stars and when the sun comes up, I'm a day older and praying to Jim Morrison from a new religion and a new era of time where there are no doors and everything is wide open to anyone who can read. Who's actually reading books or hearing a story?

Credit Valley Footpath

be·yond

bēˈänd/

preposition & adverb

1. 1.

   at or to the further side of.

   "he pointed to a spot beyond the trees"

   synonyms:

   on the far side of, on the other side of, further away than, behind, past, after

After normally goes before a noun, like after midnight when I stayed up all night and all day writing and revising because of my passion. And there's no replacing feeling good. Sometimes a mean piss just feels so good. 

Lo And Behold Bisons And Good Drinking

Bisonmania

The Blue Jays and Herd have been streaky. Batters are getting time in the cage and pitchers are pitching a lot of innings. LeBlanc has been hot. The beer at Coca-Cola Field is top notch; and I'm urging anyone who likes to drink ten or eleven or twelve beers, and is not driving home, to go see a Bisons game and power drink.

Buffalo, New York

We went to see the Bisons on the same day that we went to the Burlington Humane Society and picked up our new cat. We took our cat to the game. Ten or eleven beers later, it was the seventh inning and I skedaddled to the car to spend quality time with Skeddadles, our new cat. It was around this time, I started tripping out, having acid flashbacks, hungry and craving metal. I needed loud music. I put the key in the ignition, ran the battery in the car to power up the stereo, and pumped WOW 87.7 FM in the Bisons parking lot. I was hungry for heavy metal music and so was Skedaddles. To hell with the Herd, I wanted to be alone with the cat because we were craving loud, headbanging music.

Skedaddles the Cat

Heavy Metal Awareness

My wife was sober when the game finished and she joined me in the car because it was time to go home and the Bisons won, 2-1 over the Syracuse Chiefs in a nail-biter. My long nails were scratching the cat as my wife drove out of the parking lot. We were listening to WOW 87.7 FM for the drive home. My wife was driving; I was buzzing badly and repeating the same things over and over to myself. "Wow," I said to my wife. She just looked at me and said, "Wow." All of a sudden, I realized there needed to be a week dedicated to metal awareness. I was like a heavy rolling stone and my head was weighing a ton, but we couldn't drink in the car. Cranking the sound up in the car, I was thrashing my head side to side and pretended I was writing deeper than a rolling stone writer too good to write for the magazine. Wow.

Heavy Metal Appreciation

La Buena was so good and I started thinking more and more about Lionheart Leaks and holy shit it was like a religious experience in the car going over the Skyway Bridge, driving from Hamilton to Burlington. WOW, it was so good and I didn't want to get out of the car when we got in the driveway, but my wife reminded me that I had to work the next day. WOW....

Lionheart Leaks

Acid Flashback No. 43

“A foolish heart will call you to toss your dreams away, then turn around and blame you for the way you went astray.” ~ Grateful Dead 

                                                 

Happy New Year! I'm writing during a time in the holiday season when I'm not sure what day it is. If 2015 was called my year of Lionheart, then 2016 is the year of the gorilla. My New Year’s plans include studying Gorilla Monsoon, since I really can't climb the Empire State Building this year. I lost my company in 2015, but I want to wish my dear, dear friends a happy new year with lots of online shopping. Despite the really freaked-out, freaky-cool flashbacks of old WWF Wrestling and Lionheart Entertainment, it’s been a great year for Lifestyles of the Richard and Famous. We're going to a New Delhi next year when my wife is ready to go grocery shopping. Fortinos is getting boring and not as culturally diverse.

You might think that I’m writing another random blog, but I want to promote traffic and become responsible for less traffic accidents. The Great Beyond is where I’ve been giving you my heart and soul. This is a great place to create awareness on the issue of the craziness of traffic. I invented the idea of photo radar before Bob Rae started selling his concept of the idea on the campaign trail before it was first introduced to South Ontario in 1994. When you hear stupid stories like a giant monkey tries to cross the highway and causes a large traffic jam, remember live traffic cameras are watching you whenever you’re driving, so drive safely. Traffic is always evolving. I created the idea of a Traffic Channel and I want to share my passion for traffic in the next blog. My next big idea is turning the Traffic Channel into 11-D, or something way better than 3-D, where trucks are popping out of the TV screen while you’re watching your favorite station with sponsorships from Esso, Petro Canada and Mr. Lube. Stay tuned.

Truckin’ is a song by the Grateful Dead, which first appeared on their 1970 album. Lately it occurs to me, what a long, strange trip it’s been….

Tim Hortons Truck

What We’ve Got Here Is A Failure To Communicate

“When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.” ~ Hunter S. Thomspon

Where do we manufacture dreams?

Some men you just can’t reach, especially those like Donald Trump telling stories about the fall of the World Trade Center. Weird people watch Pop Goes The World and sing all about the World Trade Center tumbling down with thousands and thousands of Arabs cheering on the streets of Jersey City. That's the truth.

I’ve learned everything I need to know from Chelsea Handler’s Uganda Be Kidding Me, following Martha Stewart on Facebook, drawing Pluto in one easy step, and writing handwritten letters to stars of Disney On Ice. To my dear, dear friends in the Americas, Happy Thanksgiving and Give Peace A Chance.

But there are more professional problems than cartoon violence or Civil War college football rivalry game. The Washington Redskins players are accusing referees of calling penalties against the team because the referees don’t like the Redskins name. The world is filled with horror, violence, pain, and racial injustices from terrorism. ISIS wants us to accept that it is how it is, and ISIS wants good people to buy into demented fantasies that they’re doing something important. Cyberterrorists are a bunch of savages that are going to join the Russians and the French terrorists like the cockroaches they are.

In the heart of Burlington, I want to rid the world of the goddamn status quo and cyberterrorism and the evils plaguing society from giving us fucking sequels to An Inconvenient Truth. The world is plagued by lies, but the most powerful truth is the real commercial world. You can’t underestimate the impact of the final buck and when Lionheart Leaks becomes available in the distant future.

The Burlington Post dropped my promotional advertising on page nine, but the Post has been all over my controversy on page eleven. It seems like small potatoes, but it blew up last week in the newspaper. My cousin auctioned off my table from the castle for $500 and I wanted it auctioned off for $600 for charity. Bubba called and told me that he would set up a date to pick up my table. I said, “You can’t have it.” It was supposed to be $600 instead of $500. Bubba went to the Burlington Post and complained and we got in a big fight. I threatened to punch him out. I’ve been down and out lately since spending every last cent on Lionheart Leaks. I'm getting deeper and deeper into debt.

Christmas isn’t about what you need, it’s about what you want, and trusting your instincts to make the right choices. My choice is bringing the world Lionheart Leaks on December 1st and releasing the hardcore facts. Not even WikiLeaks can reveal the true inner demons troubling our streets. I feel like I'm getting a little closer to the streets, the barking dogs, and sleepless nights. 

Ottis O’Toole walks the streets and he begins to explain to Johnny Electric in Installment No. 1: “Johnny Electric was the charged CEO of Lionheart Incorporated and he was a serious gambler with vices.” I’m allowing people close to me to reveal the facts about how Lionheart almost ruined my life. Sometimes I think I’m losing my mind, but no use crying over spilled milk.

And I'm not going to cry about suffering from Peter Pan Syndrome. Science Daily believes "the 'Peter Pan Syndrome' affects people who do not want or feel unable to grow up, people with the body of an adult, but the mind of a child. The syndrome is not currently a psychopathology" or fully understood.

If you’re like me and you believe that The Little House On The Prairie TV theme song inspired John Williams to write the Star Wars theme song, then you also believe Walt Disney’s not dead, he’s frozen, and when someone thaws out the Walt, he’s going to be pretty pissed off at Oswald.