Beyond The Bills Or Chemistry Or Acid Flashbacks

First Bill: What Should Bill Clinton Be For Halloween?

The road to tyranny begins with the destruction of the fuckin' truth. Truth varies from person to person. As president of the United States, Bill Clinton once said, “When we got organized as a country and we wrote a fairly radical Constitution with a radical Bill of Rights, giving a radical amount of individual freedom to Americans, it was assumed that the Americans who had that freedom would use it responsibly.” Bill Clinton handled his extra-marital affair responsibly and he’s gone the extra mile practically endorsing Donald Trump. Hillary Clinton is running for president and every cunt wants to see Bill as the First Man of the United States. A First Man currently doesn't exist, but it should if the Theory of Evolution was true. Darwin observed the pattern of evolution and he would've been fucking fascinated with Bill Clinton.

How will the Clintons celebrate Halloween? Bill Clinton might choose to dress up as Bill Cosby for Halloween. Over 40 women have accused Bill Cosby of sexual misconduct and only the future First Man understands this and wants to take on the role. There needs to be a motherfucking movement to prevent another Industrial Revolution. The next uprising in the industry will happen soon. From politics to going mental, there ain't much choice. 

Global Warming will kill everybody if we don’t stop the madness. Acid rain is going to get worse and the floods will motherfucking drown us. Al Gore needs to make a sequel to An Inconvenient Truth. It’s an inconvenient truth that Bill Clinton could co-star with Al Gore in the movie. If Bill Clinton does dress up as Bill Cosby, why doesn’t Al Gore dress up as Bill O’Reilly for Halloween, so we can get the motherfucking facts? What does it matter? How's Hillary doing? Hillary Clinton needs to dress up either as a district attorney or a chemist or a plumber and pay the motherfucking Bills. Does pH matter when you flush the toilet? I'm going to take a shit whilst listening to Phish.

Second pH: Beyond Chemistry

In chemistry, pH (/piːˈeɪtʃ/) is a numeric scale used to specify the acidity or alkalinity of an aqueous solution. It is the negative of the logarithm to base 10 of the fucking activity of the hydrogen ion. Solutions with a pH less than 7 are acidic and solutions with a pH greater than 7 are alkaline or anything fucking basic. Beyond chemistry, make sure you Google search phubbing and use the ph instead of effing fubbing, and don’t give yourself a PhD and call yourself Dr. Huxtable and go fubbing for fun. I’m not a doctor and I’m not going to take credit for inventing words like phubbing or fubbing, but they’re real fucking problems in American culture. The Washington State Cougars are not that good at football, and don’t be fooled after their victory over the Oregon Ducks, but that’s not the motherfucking problem. The Cougars screwing around with younger men is a real motherfucking problem.

Oregon schools preparing for the Civil War are simply unavoidable; but the serious goddamn problem happening in schools can be seen or unseen with students suffering from mental illnesses, abusing psychotropic drugs, and taking non-prescription drugs. In the aftermath of the crazy draw-down in Afghanistan, Americans are celebrating a war lasting almost as long as the Civil War college football game rivalry in Oregon. The Civil War started with the first bullets fired recently according to news. Why wasn't the shooter targeted? We need to second-guess the victims of the shooting. They didn’t act fast enough and fight back in the face of bullets. They could have rallied against the shooter and tackled him to the motherfucking ground. I should have fought back against my demons to prevent the death of Tuesday.

Third Acid Flashback: Tuesday

Where is Tuesday Alvarez? Have I lost Tuesday to drug-induced flashbacks or a mystery liquid? Tuesday’s Gone, Lynyrd Skynyrd (pronounced 'Lĕh-'nérd 'Skin-'nérd). I put the son-of-a-bitch down. It was late Tuesday night when Tuesday Alvarez sent a text to my cell phone. It said, “Meet me at the Burger King parking lot.” We ended up in old Brewington. Beyond my dreams.

Top 11 Songs Russians Are Listening To This Year

Rocky defeated Ivan Drago from the Soviet Union. Ever since the Soviet Union collapsed, Canada is comparable to Russia in relation to size and friggin' hardship. 

Here are the Top 11 Songs Russians are downloading this year:

1. Kids - MGMT
2. Wine Wine Wine - Voodoo Walters and the Rhythm Method
3. Chantilly Lace - The Big Bopper
4. Come As You Are - Nirvana
5. Ship To Wreck - Florence and the Machine
6. Breathing Underwater - Metric
7. War - U2
8. Civil War - Guns N' Roses
9. Seven Nation Army - The White Stripes
10. Cheerleader - OMI
11. 11:11 - Arkells

Is Vladimir Putin Celebrating Thanksgiving?

Nevermind if "Czar" Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin celebrates Thanksgiving, but he ought to be grateful this year. No leader on the planet has escaped as many fucking jams as buddy. But I’m getting hungrier than an abandoned baby in a Russian town Smelling Like Teen Spirit.

There is good Poutine and bad Putin. Poutine is a Canadian dish, originating in the province of Quebec, made with French Fries and cheese curds topped with a light brown gravy-like sauce and soon to be exported by Canadians. Fucking Putin has been the President of motherfucking Russia since 2012, succeeding Dmitry Medvedev. Western economic sanctions are clearly having an impact on motherfucking Russia, governments probably think the Russian people will rise up and demand change if countries create enough suffering for them. The problem with this fucking theory is that most cunt Russians don't mind suffering. They've successfully endured it for centuries.

I think another reason why I’m so fearful of Putin is that Vladimir is a motherfucking scary name. It reminds me of Vlad the Impaler also known as Count Dracula. Dracula’s favourite method of torture was to impale people and leave them to fucking writhe in agony, often for days. The media doesn't like Vladimir Putin or Vlad the Impaler and reported that they both would eat meals on a table set up outside amidst hundreds of impaled victims. On occasion, they were also reported to have eaten bread dipped in blood -- and that is motherfucking fact. From 1448 until his death in 1476, Dracula ruled Walachia and Transylvania. Although the Vatican City once praised Vlad for defending Christianity, it disapproved of his methods. But most religion often depends on my fucking mood. I praise Putin politics for sucking fucking blood for sport, but I disapprove of his lack of praise for Christianity.

The Pope’s 10-day trip to the United States and Cuba reminds Canadians how they’ve been snubbed. Native American lives matter and the Pope has more important things to do. He’s very busy bringing back exorcisms to the modern Catholic Church. The Roman Catholic Church’s chief exorcist said his recent exorcism caused superhuman strength in a woman and that the Pope’s efforts did not rid her of the hostile spirit. I loved The Exorcist and enjoyed watching the movie about 10 or 11 times. Father Guido Sarducci warns the Vatican about the dangerous threat of sexy vampires. The Pope, Putin, and Vlad the Impaler might have many dark secrets, but I want to fucking know the motherfucking dark secret emails from Hillary Clinton’s private server. I want to be Hillary Clinton’s personal IT department.

Hillary Clinton said in a recent speech that she wants a woman on the Bill. Bill Clinton is a very, very lucky guy. Americans need a woman president that wants to see some serious fucking around. I would offer my motherfucking services to edit a book on Hillary’s secret emails. And let it be fucking known that a wounded Hillary Clinton could limp through Democratic primaries and the Civil War and still survive. The GOP only got eleven percent of the nigger vote in the last presidential election. The Oregon State Beavers and Oregon Ducks have equal records in college football, but don’t be fooled. The Civil War is more important than politics or football. The Civil War is about fighting for fucking women’s rights. The Beaver is more important than the Duck. The Duck needs to be hunted and killed for Thanksgiving.

All I fucking care about is Oregon football and Halloween clown masturbation, but first I need to celebrate Thanksgiving with family. Thanksgiving is a holiday so nice that it happens fuckin' twice for somebody like me who has dual citizenship. It’s about football and not talking about religion or Vladimir Putin or Canadian media. It’s a joyous time to eat duck and give thanks. I want to give thanks for the blessing of the harvest, and fucking dust off my gorgeous HDTV set as I prepare for Civil War.

Happy Thanksgiving or Columbus Day!

Livin’ On A Prayer

The True Sin In The Garden Of Eden: Eve slept with Satan on a steamy summer night after she changed her name from June to Eve to please the Devil.

All religious traditions acknowledge that the world is friggin’ imperfect. They differ in the various explanations which they offer to account for goddamn imperfections. But if there was still a fucking Garden of Eden, everybody would be getting fat on Apple Pie and nobody would want to improve and try to do better. Praise Jesus, give me the snakes and apples and I’ll show you a good time. Many religions fucking believe that humans are to be blamed for the imperfections of the world.

Gnostics have their own view of these matters: they hold that the world is flawed because it was created in a flawed manner. Goddamn Canadian media is flawed and needs more sexual healing. Some Gnostic gospels include The Gospel of Truth, The Gospel of Thomas and The Gospel of Judas. It’s about time Judas got his own gospel. Like Buddhism, Gnosticism begins with the fundamental recognition that earthly life is filled with suffering. I’m filled with suffering watching Canadian content on the fucking TV and that begins with hockey and ends with dirty laundry. My apologies to Tim Horton.

Ed the Sock is a fucking puppet that became a Canadian television personality in the fucking 1990s. Americans don’t fucking understand why the sock hasn’t evolved into a sock for a bigger foot. I was standing in line at the Starbucks at the Pike Place Market in Seattle and overheard an elderly man cursing about how Fraggle Rock wasn’t heavy enough. That friggin’ show would still be in syndication if it was Fraggle Heavy Metal. I hate to crash Ed’s Night Party or fuckin' suggest he’s chain-smoking off Sam the Record Man’s hard-earned money, but the Canadian media industry is livin’ on a prayer. And so is Bon Jovi. He's only carrying a prayer in his wallet.

And let’s face the fucking facts, Canadian sports simply wouldn't exist if the Blue Jays weren’t playing ball (fed by the Buffalo Bisons). The Chicago Blackhawks own the Stanley Cup and we all know who’s winning Global Warming. Ice is fucking melting; and soon there won’t be enough figure skaters to fill Quebec hockey arenas thus ending any chances of the Bloc Québécois playing the Ottawa Senators any time soon. Sorry Chantal St-Onge. Je suis fucking désolé. But Canada still has Justin Beaver. But now I’m getting ready for the Canadian Thanksgiving. I’m getting my shit together and preparing to carve the turkey before enlisting to watch Civil War on HDTV. You better motherfuckin' believe I’m watching the Oregon State Beavers football rivalry game played annually in Oregon against the fuckin' Ducks. The Washington Huskies will play in a bowl game and they’re okay, but the Washington State Cougars, Oregon State Beavers and Hillary Clinton are important to American culture. Get your game on, there’s a feminist movement afoot and don’t wait until it’s too late because you’re either part of the solution or you’re part of the motherfucking problem. 

My Inuit brothers and sisters preparing to fuckin' freeze because you’re living in melted igloos about to feel the shitty fuckin' cold after a hot summer, realize there’s a greater Florida State. The Florida State Seminoles are fucking undefeated in college football. The Associated Press has ranked college teams according to talent and they need to rank Florida State as number one and tied with Beavers because Native American lives matter.

Amen.

I Can’t Get No Satisfaction

The thrill that you've never known is the thrill that'll 

getcha when you get your picture on the cover of the 

Rollin' Stone.

I want it all, but I can't always get what I want. Went to Seattle last month, but I didn't get to stay and drive to fucking Oregon and prepare for the Civil War. I went to Buffalo and saw Bisons, but I never got to see them play a native team. If I could have it all, I would just watch both football and cartoons (and that includes watching cartoon sex).

Maybe I can have it all. I can watch the Civil War on Friday, November 27th right after I draw an animated short on the death of Donald Duck. The fucking duck was murdered by Oswald the Lucky Rabbit. If I could always get what I want, a minority party would win the Canadian federal election and there would already be a coronation with Hillary Clinton as president of the United States thus ending bullshit politics. It would give good people more fucking time to fuckin' focus on what is really goddamn important, like the Oregon State Beavers and Oregon’s Civil War. I really CAN'T (pronounced cunt instead of can't by some British speaking people) be the next Abraham Lincoln or afford a Lincoln luxury car, but I know what’s motherfuckin' important. I can’t always get what I want, but if I try sometimes, I can get what I need. And I need my motherfucking book published and I’m going beyond what’s friggin' necessary to make it known to every cunt who thinks it can't be done.

My wife wanted to see Hawaii. She didn't need to see the beautiful place, but she wanted to see Hawaii; so you better fucking believe she saw Hawaii. She got to see the shitty Hawaii Rainbow Warriors get destroyed by The Ohio State Buckeyes in a 38-nil shutout at the Shoe. I even took her to Nancy’s Home Cooking where she watched me devour a Garbage Omelet. The Ohio road trip wouldn’t have been complete without seeing Indians. We’re fans of Indians and watched them win a game while still in contention for the wild card in the American League. The Indians are going up the totem pole in the MLB.

As a conspiracy theorist, Ohio doesn't function like a state. No, Communist Ohio runs like a fucking country where no news gets out of the so-called state. Ohio doesn't export their beer and the governor's bid to run for president is just a motherfucking grassroots movement to oust the damn Republican and complete the communist takeover by The Ohio State University. China "likes" Ohio and John Richard Kasich. The Chinese still read John's letters to Richard Nixon. I studied American history when enslaved to writing essays when I was young. It was almost satisfactory.

Aloha from the Almighty Buckeyes.

Kinder Und Betrunkene Sagen Immer Die Wahrheit

What it means: It's hard to find people who tell you the truth. But the motherfuckin' question for East and West Germany is simply this. It is are children learning? Is the mug half full or half empty with 11 percent beer?

After kick-ass road trips to Michigan over the years, I’m concluding every community functions like a state. Frankenmuth is a friggin’ Bavarian city distinct from other communities. Michigan, Michigan State, Eastern Michigan, Central Michigan and Western Michigan are universities distinct as separate communities. But the real fucking question in the United States remains: What are The Beavers going to do if there’s a lame Duck that wants to give them the stiff arm just because they're The Beavers? Prepare yourself straight outta Oregon.

Probieren geht über studieren. The German translation means trying is better than studying. The equivalent is the proof of the pudding is in the eating. If it wasn’t for fucking summer school, I would still be in goddamn high school.

I collect mugs as a motherfucking hobby. It’s getting boring. I’m going to start to fucking collect Nazi memorabilia.

Myth: Media tell the truth.

Reality: News and information are presented usually with extreme bias and never include all relevant facts.

Think of the great figures that have served in the United States Senate on either side. Ted Kennedy, Lyndon Johnson and Chuck Shultz; and now Americans have been reduced to Chuck Schumer. I want to buy a manure farm in Oregon. I want to vote and go Duck hunting.

Heil Donald Trump!

Truth be told, Trump is threatening to destroy democracy in the United States. Donald Trump runs his empire like a king and it’s politically incorrect to run the country like the king of a company. Americans don’t need Donald Trump, Donald Duck, or fucking Oregon Ducks. There’s college football or computer animation. I’ll take football over a fuckin' cartoon. 

How Much Wood Would a Woodchuck Chuck?

What is a woodchuck? Does it exist? Does it chuck wood? Best answer: yes indeed, a woodchuck is a North American marmot with a heavy body and short legs. The groundhog (Marmota monax), also known as a woodchuck, or whistle pig, is a rodent belonging to the group of large ground squirrels known as marmots. The animal hibernates in the winter. Other marmots, such as the yellow-bellied and hoary marmots, live in rocky and mountainous areas. They are found as far north as Alaska, with their habitat extending southeast to Georgia.

Woodchuck vs. Beaver is an interesting comparison, as it explores ground and aquatic animals. They both are rodents with ever-growing upper front incisors but with different adaptations to the environment that they inhabit mostly. A comparison between woodchucks and beavers is worthwhile since differences must be understood between adaptations for their aquatic and terrestrial lives and many other characteristics as well.

A woodchuck would chuck wood if it fucking could chuck wood. However, a woodchuck is not a motherfuckin' beaver. Every crazy bastard, son-of-a-bitch wants beaver over a lame duck. And oh, I’ve been worshipping the beaver for decades.

Ode To Beavers

Do you think I’m motherfucking Ward Cleaver?

Go Beavers!

Fuck 'em Beavers,

Every chick Beaver.

And what kind of beaver

And whose beaver tail

Do you follow down Oregon’s trail?

And I don’t give a shit about a Duck,

They’re all shit out of luck.

Just another college fuck.

I want me some beaver,

Ready to heave her?

Put your dick back in your pants

Every Duck in a football stance.

Fucking cheerleaders dance!

Take back the punt

All the way for cunt.

C’mon bloody Civil War,

More beaver more.

Every prick knows,

Go Beavers go!

Don’t beat the Beaver. It’s not nice. If I haven’t said it once, I’ve said it only eleven times, you can get hurt if you’re having rough butt sex with a Beaver.

Oregon State University, be humble about your Beaver.

How much wood on me, a WoodChuck, Jerry Mathers, Tony Dow, or Hugh Beaumont -- while dreaming about a teenage Barbara Billingsley in a thong dressed down hotter than the middle of June on a hot steamy Georgia night? Goddamn, I am ready for some football.

The problem with a sex crime is it starts to rhyme. I already got Life in 2011.

If You Pee On Everybody, You Can't Tell Them It's Rain

Since joining the blogosphere as a Mild Mannered Reporter, I've gone Beyond The Rum Diary and shared some really intoxicating shit with the blogging world. My advice to bloggers would be to write from the heart -- let it all cum out. Most of the shit I read on blogs is real pure horseshit, but I'm telling you my shit reads the best and it's straight from the horse's ass or the bison's ass or whatever.

.

Donald Trump pissed people off within seconds at the Republican National Committee debate. The View co-host Whoopi Goldberg is already tired of Donald Trump's presidential campaign. I had to fucking dust off my dictionary to look up Backflip.

back•flip

(ˈbækˌflɪp) 

n., v. -flipped, -flip•ping. n.

1. a backward somersault.

2. a dive executed by somersaulting backward.

3. a comb-over Donald Trump asks his barber for. 

N.W.A. doesn’t stand for “Nine White Accountants” or “Nickelback Was Awesome” or “Namedropping Woody Allen.” The hip-hop biopic Straight Outta Compton, about the rap group N.W.A., hits theaters; so get your motherfucking 3-D glasses out and go see it. Until the Beavers are fed to the Wolverines, I don’t give a fuck. But Beavers don’t stop building goddammit, so get ready for the Civil War. First played in 1894, the Civil War is the American football rivalry game played annually in Oregon between Beavers and Ducks. Both schools are members of the North Division of the Pac-12 also known as college football’s top conference. 

Mad Rant

When I started my quest to get published, I quickly discovered that in today’s motherfuckin' tech society, you have to put yourself out there -- goddamn electronically. Social media connects similar-minded perverts across the globe and beyond. Beyond The Rum Diary goes against the normal diary from normal writers and instead offers punch-drunk blues twisted with rage happy rants. In 1999, only 100 blogs existed, then a year later my first draft in the form of a screenplay (yes, it was turned from a rough screenplay to a novel) called Time Tracks before Blue Kite and then Beyond The Blue Kite. So the first bloggers were techies. They had to be, because in 1999 there was nothing like the huge fucking systems of today. The blogosphere is a world that brings out both the best and worst in people, a haven for drunken journalists or anybody and nobody. I’m the next wave of non-techie bloggers looking to make a mark as the most intoxicated conspiracy theorist and crazy sports junkie, and serious-minded writer.

Like a good beaver, I'm building a fucking platform. I'm listening to Wynona's Big Brown Beaver and drinking Ex Light while writing and dreaming of the Civil War in Oregon. Oregon State Beavers defensive coordinator Kalani Sitake understands the anticipation for the 2015 season. Rather than take the summer to recharge, he's been mentally preparing and getting fucking ready.